Tell -Tale Signs of a Toxic Relationship
12/19/2012 12:41:00 PM
We were shocked at the murder-suicide of Chiefs player Jovan Belcher and his girlfriend Kasandra Perkins less than a month ago. They left behind a beautiful little girl who now will never know her parents. Sources said the relationship had issues. In fact, Belcher told his other girlfriend Brittni Glass that Perkins knew how to push his buttons and that he would shoot her if she didn’t leave him alone but Glass believed him to be joking. (Sidebar: there is a whole other conversation to be had on this note.) But The Star obtained the case file, now a public record, which tells facts not previously known. For instance, they clarify Belcher also told the side chic Perkins had “threatened to take all his money and his child if they split up.”
The report revealed Chiefs head coach Romeo Crennel said he missed a team meeting a few weeks earlier and blamed it on Perkins, who reportedly hadn’t come home the night before, leaving him to watch the baby. Crennel said he thought the couple had “trust issues” and Perkins expected “a better life” with an NFL player. And Crennel said he thought Belcher had contacted a lawyer about getting custody of his daughter. While Belcher’s mother, Cheryl Shepherd, had moved in with the couple about two weeks before their deaths because they were having “relationship problems due to financial issues associated with Perkins’ spending habits.” She said the argument that preceded the killings “was in regard to one or both of them going out as in to a club or partying.” (Another sidebar: When Belcher arrived home, she overheard the shouting but didn’t intervene because Perkins had previously accused her of “interfering.”) I am not faulting his mother at all. But how I wish something or someone would have intervened. Perhaps both of them would be here today. The case file contains nearly 60 pages of witness interviews, recovered evidence and officer observations.
Sounds to me this may have been a toxic relationship. Not judging but obviously, things weren’t what they seemed to outsiders who claimed they were happy.
But...toxins are deadly. That includes in relationships.
Peep “9 Warning Signs Of A Toxic Relationship” By Mika Maddela, Dr Marian Stansbury, and Keri Nola from Your Tango:
1. Hostility. Is your significant other hostile toward you? Is he/she angry a lot of the time? If you feel you are living with a lot of tension, feeling stressed and not able to express yourself the way you want, your relationship is not healthy for you. You want to feel the safety and security to express your authentic self. —Dr. Marian Stansbury
2. Criticism and contempt. Does your significant other criticize or demean you? Are you on edge much of the time because you feel that you can't please your partner or do anything right? Does he/she make fun of you or criticize you in public, in front of friends or family? Does he/she act superior towards you or mock you? These are all warning signs of an unhappy, dysfunctional relationship. —Dr. Marian Stansbury
3. Avoidance. Does he/she avoid you? Maybe he/she gives double messages that make you feel confused (e.g. saying "Of course I love you" while not behaving in a loving manner). When he doesn't want to be physically affectionate, you end up feeling rejected. Meanwhile, he complains that you are too needy. —Dr. Marian Stansbury
4. Rigidity. Is your partner open to being influenced by you? Is he/she self-reflective? When you express how you feel and ask for what you want, does he/she listen and make an effort to meet your needs? If he/she refuses to acknowledge that your feelings and needs are important, and refuses to go to counseling, you may be stuck in a toxic relationship. Then you need to ask yourself, "What do I need to do for myself to be happy and satisfied with my life?" —Dr. Marian Stansbury
5. Name calling. Also known as "dirty fighting," name calling is a definite sign of toxicity in a relationship. Attempting to hurt someone with words is not the way to resolve conflict or communicate hurt feelings. Problems usually escalate quickly when name-calling is present and it makes it especially difficult to create intimacy and connection in the relationship. —Keri Nola
6. You aren't yourself. Do you change your likes, dislikes or opinions when you're with your partner? Feeling like you can't be yourself and adjusting to please for fear of retaliation can be a sign of a toxic relationship. It's important to be able to express yourself honestly in your relationship for authentic love to grow. —Keri Nola
Want the final 3? Click here!