Friends of the Opposite Sex...While Married
1/30/2013 10:49:00 AM
Ok it’s the age old question: can men and women be”just friends”?
I say yes, because in the past I had some homies who I loved – but could never, ever love like that! But when you get in a committed relationship or marriage, do those opposite sex homies stay? Depends. Have you and your spouse discussed it? Does your mate discern something other than friendship from the opposite sex buddy?
In my house, the male friends I have are all work-related, so we aren’t on the phone every night or hanging out all weekend. Whereas a male friend who works with me on youth projects, talks to his best friend of 20 years every night. And yes – she is female. But his wife is close to her and trust – no sexual attraction from either one.
But that’s not always the case. Research showed this fall then in some cases, men were more attracted to their female friend than vice versa. Men also consistently and mistakenly assumed that their homegirl was attracted to them. And if they had a boo, they did not care. Women, on the other hand, reported having much less desire to date their male friend if they, or he, were already romantically engaged with another. The study is in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships.
I say two issues are attraction and trust. I trust my husband but I would never want him in a situation that could tempt him, lest he fall. I know he sees beautiful women everyday. Heck, one of his exes who I am fond of, came to our wedding! And yes she is hot. But they don’t talk like they did since we got married. There were boundaries set and I appreciate that. At the same time, an old friend is more acceptable than a new chic suddenly being his new BFF! And if her waist to booty ratio is over 10 inches…heffa, you got to go! It’s not that I am insecure but I know what he likes. To avoid him getting tempted, let Big Booty Brenda be somebody else’s homegirl.
But what about friends of the opposite sex while married? When establishing friendships with someone of the opposite sex, it’s essential that married people take steps to safeguard their marriage. Loveanswers.net has advice:
1. Establish boundaries- Set limits on how much alone time you spend with a friend of the opposite sex. Consider spending time in group settings or with your spouse instead of one on one time alone. If you spend too much time alone or talking privately it can make the friendship become too intimate. Even private email conversations can become too intimate if people are sharing about their day to day lives.
2. Don’t share everything- Monitor what you share with your friend. Don’t say anything to your friend when you’re alone that you wouldn’t say when your spouse is present. Don’t talk negatively about your spouse either. Complaining about your spouse to an opposite sex friend can be a slippery slope.
3. Be upfront and honest- Be honest with your spouse at all times about your friend (and everything else for that matter). If you send secret text messages, hold secret meetings, or just fail to tell your spouse that your friend was at a gathering, it’s going to hurt your relationship. It is essential that you are able to be up front and honest about your relationship and if you aren’t, it’s certainly a sign that the friendship has crossed the line. Sometimes people say they hide things because their spouse is jealous and they don’t want to make their spouse upset. However, this type of behavior will just damage your marriage even further.
4. Address concerns- If your spouse feels threatened by the relationship it is important to address it. See if there are changes you can make that would make your spouse feel more comfortable. Agree to do what it takes to not allow the friendship to interfere with your marriage. Your marriage needs to take priority over the friendship.
5. Be cautious of romantic feelings-If you find yourself romantically attracted to your friend at any time it is essential to put on the brakes. Continuing the friendship in the same way is not going to be helpful to your marriage. Limit your contact with your friend. If it is a co-worker, don’t talk outside of the office or spend any time together alone.
Every couple is different but do what works – and is respectful – for your relationship.But Big Booty Brenda will not be the homie in my house. Just sayin'...