Married to the Plan…but Need the Man?
2/6/2013 11:00:00 AM
It’s February and love is in the air. Not just with Hallmark cards, candy hearts, bouquets of roses, but also wedding bells. February is also National Wedding Month.
A new dating book, “How to Choose a Husband”, may not be the ideal marriage guide for today's women. In it, author Suzanne Venker advises young women that if they want to snag a man, all they have to do is “be nice, cook and have sex.” Cooking is a good thing. Sex is a must in marriage. But really? Those three things – that's all, huh? I actually laugh at her because while each of those things may be an aspect of marriage, they take away from other contributions women make in a relationship. She blames the “man-hating” women’s liberation movement for encouraging women to be independent and keeping them from locking down a husband. Instead, the author says that wannabe wives should sacrifice their hopes and dreams to become submissive domestic goddesses.
While some shudder at the thought, most doubt that is why some women have the wedding plan…but not the man. That’s another topic for another day. But let’s talk about over-eager wedding plan gals.
I used to laugh at one of my girls in the fam who has her wedding down – from the entrance to the champagne toast but rarely has dates that lead to a possible engagement! A little over a week ago, The New York Times, identified a growing trend where women actually plan their weddings – full – on the Internet while still very single. Is that different than you dreaming of a hubby as a little girl? Maybe because of the details and the fact that you aren't a little girl anymore is why this got attention in the article, “Married to the Plan. Still Looking for a Possible Groom.” While it’s great to know what you want when that day comes- if it does- the article does point out some downsides. From the plan specifics, to how your plan impacts your partner, an excerpt reads:
….First, what some single women imagine may not be feasible and may actually be a waste of effort. “What brides don’t realize is while you might want a pumpkin soup, if you’re getting married in Miami in February the chef might say, ‘I know you love pumpkin soup, but it’s not in season right now,’ ” Ms. Byron said.
Another problem is the not-quite-bride is not taking into account a future partner and what his needs and considerations might be, Ms. Byron said. “Even though you have all these ideas and you’ve done your homework and you are prepared as a single girl,” she said, “you have to understand that marriage is a union and you have to take your other half into consideration.”
For some, it may present an obstacle in finding and keeping a partner, said Lisa Morse, a clinical psychologist in Manhattan whose clients include many single women. “Finding somebody who wants to be plugged into your life exactly the way it is, and all the choices you’ve made, is not so easy,” she said.
Some would say planning so far ahead is the definition of putting the cart before the horse. “I think for anybody it’s much easier to plan a wedding than it is to form a meaningful relationship that is going to lead to a fulfilling marriage,” Dr. Morse said. “And so I think for some people this becomes a way of taking away their anxiety or refocusing their anxiety away from their real concern, which is meeting somebody.”
Does planning first lead to a hubby – kind of like a “martial vision” board? For some maybe. Like in the article, Kate Owens, a 34-year-old . who lives in Clifton Park, N.Y., had planned her wedding for more than a decade before marrying last June. She began planning in her 20s as a single woman with no boyfriend - and no prospects! While friends married off and she did not know if she would ever meet someone and settle down, she printed pictures of hairstyles, flower arrangements and ring settings. Yeah, it worked in her favor but there’s a whole lot more you can do in 10 years than plan for a day that may happen much later …if at all.
While dreaming of your big day is okay, don’t go hunting for the husband – let him find you! Can I take it to church real quick? Proverbs 18:22 says, “ He who finds a wife finds a good thing And obtains favor from the LORD.” Let that man find you as his treasure. Now, don't get caught slippn'. Be ready. Have yourself together – get your mind in the right place; try to come to the table offering how you can contribute to a life partnership; already be living your life.
When you do, that hubby may find you - out of the blue.