He Says You're Just a Friend - Are You?
9/19/2013 12:00:00 PM
Singles, this week is your week: National Singles Week!
It’s celebrated the third full week in September (Sunday through Saturday). It is estimated that there are 82 million single and unmarried adults in the United States. While you may lament being single, don’t; spend time doing you! When you take time while solo to love and care for yourself, you are all the more ready for a mate when the time comes. And when you love yourself well, you won’t settle for less than you deserve. It’s good that you have a friendship with whoever you settle down with. But it can be confusing at times. Case in point? A phenomenon that I have seen blogged about since 2008: “Frilationships”.
What is it? A confusing, gray area blend of a romantic relationship and friendship. Urban Dictionary defines it as: “When two people are in a relationship that is somewhere between friendship and a romantic relationship. They are usually initiated by men who need female companionship but are unable to commit. It is often very difficult to determine if you are on a date or just hanging out as these men will often pay. The word comes from joining the words friend and relationship, thus you are in a Frilationship. The frilationship is a very grey place and it is very difficult to define the situation. It is very similar to friends with benefits except the benefits aren't always sexual in nature and can be seen as help buying gifts for one's mother, etc.” A more simple way to describe it is “The act of being in a friendship, but not quite a relationship.”
Raise your hand if you are or have been in one.
My husband and I were like that but eventually, the tide turned and we became a committed couple. But sometimes, that doesn’t always happen. Before you move into the romantic phase, how do you know if there’s even a slight chance of going beyond friendship? Can you tell the difference between being his/her homie or are they romantically into you? How To Get The Man Of Your Dreams.com breaks down telltale signs of who you are in the piece, “18 Relationship Tips You Can Do As His Best Friend But Not As His Girlfriend.”
Sometimes, it can seem like you are a girlfriend but really in his mind, you his buddy! Really, it can be confusing. If he keeps taking you out for dinner and sometimes hugs you too long, you may question are you in the friend zone or do they dig you, right? And yes, this is aimed at women because, more often than not, it tends to be women who are on the receiving end of the mixed signals. (No offense, fellas.) Before you cross the line from platonic to romantic, peep these distinctions between the two.
From 18 Relationship Tips You Can Do As His Best Friend But Not As His Girlfriend by How To Get The Man Of Your Dreams;
1. A man's best friend can call his girlfriend if he is in trouble. A man's girlfriend will not be offended by the phone call if she truly knows you're his best friend. But if she feels like you are hiding your feelings behind your "best friend" title and it later comes out, she will feel betrayed by you. So get ready to be on the next episode of "Jerry Springer" or "Maury," because that is the road you are headed down by crossing that imaginary line, without being upfront and honest with all parties involved.
2. A man's best friend can hang out with his girlfriend or potential girlfriends. But obviously, if you're his best friend-turned-girlfriend, he will not feel as comfortable about you knowing about or hanging around with other women he may find or has found attractive. This will undoubtedly create uneasiness in your relationship.
3. A man can tell you about women he's interested in. Men often confide in their female friends in order to get a woman's point of view. Should he proceed or not? Telling his girlfriend about other women he likes may not work so well, unless you have an open relationship or these are women you both would not mind getting to mentally and physically know.
4. A man can listen to a mouthy best friend because you are not emotionally connected. You can always hang out and speak up with your best friend and let an intense situation cool, with no love lost. It's not quite that simple if the person is a girlfriend, especially if you live together. Every decision you make becomes critical and one you have to face because of the physical and mental connection. A man can't run away or dismiss himself from a woman he is in love with. He loves his best friend, but he is in love with his girlfriend. So whether he likes it or not, he will have to deal with a mouthy girlfriend, which takes the tension to a whole new level.
5. A man's best friend can go out of town with her girlfriends or guy friends. This should be no problem at all if you two are strictly friends. It will not be easy, however, for his girlfriend to just waltz out of town with her girlfriends or male friends, without a fully documented explanation.
6. A man's best friend can have the spare keys to his home. Girlfriends are usually too nosy early on in a relationship. For example, a man might be reminiscing by looking at an old photo album of an ex that he just happened to leave open while he was rushing out to go to the airport. A best friend would just look and say, "I remember her" and close the book. A girlfriend, on the other hand, may want to know "who, what, when, where, and how?" She may even draw the conclusion that his business trip is really a rendezvous with this old fling.
7. A man's best friend can have all-access to his personal life. Often times with a girlfriend, there may be some stories in his past he may never feel comfortable telling her about. Do not take it personally. Some men may be just too embarrassed. A best friend would just laugh it off, but the same stories may destroy his girlfriend's perfect image of him, e.g., "That's what you used to do?" She might not be able to handle stories from his past, not truly taking into account that his past experiences, good or bad, helped make him into the man he is today, the man she currently loves. We don't all have perfect, fairy-tale lives. But it's not about who you were but who you are now that matters the most.
8. A man's commitment to his best friend comes without the drama of being in a relationship. A man who is in a committed relationship obviously has certain expectations to live up to, and if he fails, it is often fatal and filled with emotional trauma.
9. A man sometimes uses his best friend as a scapegoat. A female best friend may not like this idea so much, because it can put her in an awkward position, especially if she is tight with his girlfriend. But in an emergency situation, she would rather not see their relationship fail because of a stupid mistake he made. We are not condoning this behavior. We all make mistakes. For obvious reasons, it is a lot harder for a man to use his girlfriend as a scapegoat, although some men have used reverse psychology to find a way.
10. A man enjoys listening to his best friend; he has no option but to listen to his girlfriend if he wants his relationship to last. Best friends truly listen; girlfriends often hear the words that are coming out of his mouth but fail to listen. Girlfriends tend to listen when they are happy but not when they are upset.
11. A best friend accepts a man for who he really is; she knows his inner secrets. Girlfriends are infamous for not accepting the reality of a situation until the end, when all hell breaks loose. Perhaps they had always painted a picture in their mind of the perfect relationship, or perhaps they took a scene from their favorite romance and filled in the blank spaces with his name and picture.
12. A man’s best friend will not be as intensely jealous as his girlfriend, because there is no sexual component to their relationship that brings on feelings of jealousy and possessiveness–weapons of mass relationship destruction.
13. It does not matter what a man’s best friend looks like, but men always desire the most attractive girlfriend they can find. Body type, look and feel all matter as much as inner beauty when choosing a girlfriend.
14. A man is supposed to be in charge of a woman in a relationship or family. A man’s best friend governs herself.
15. It is easier to trust a best friend than it is to trust a girlfriend who has feelings for her man. Eventually, girlfriends and baby mamas are more apt to turn on a man. The more the emotional investment in the relationship, the harder the whiplash. Love has an equal but opposite energy, often witnessed in failed relationships: hate. A best friend is not physically and emotionally attached to the relationship in the same way, so the whiplash, if any, is minimal.
16. A man’s best friend can usually say something negative and a man will respect her opinion (but not always agree), because it usually comes from a place of pure love and without her personal bias. A girlfriend’s negative comments usually come with a mixture of love, bias, emotions and her will for him and the relationship.
17. How many times have you heard a woman say to a man, “You do not make me happy?” A man’s best friend does not rely on her best friend to supply her happiness. It is more of a mutual exchange of energy between her and her best friend. A girlfriend relies on her man to bring and be her happiness. Ladies, for the record, that is a lot of pressure to put on any relationship. Happiness comes from within yourself and compliments the happiness you hope to find in another person.
18. Trusting a girlfriend with money will take quite some time. A woman who is upset with a man, nine times out of 10, will make a wrong and unfair decision and justify it based on how she feels and not how she would want to be treated if the shoe were on the other foot. How many times have we heard of the divorce court nightmare? You may agree with the large, unearned sums of money that women believe they are entitled to, but then you wonder why men are afraid to commit. It’s more like we are afraid of what happens if it does not work out. Women who celebrate these false victories should realize that every action has an equal and opposite reaction in the minds of men.
You never know: a frilationship can turn into a romantic partnership. But not without being a risk. You could try romance and it may destroy the friendship. Or you may discover your bestie gets on your last nerve as a mate! Whatever the case, decide if you want to take the chance and find out if they feel the same. If they don’t, try not to be offended and keep the friendship. There is someone out there for you; even if it’s not your homeboy.