Just Because You Take a Relationship Break...
1/8/2014 11:23:00 AM
We’re not a full month into 2014 and have a new term coined: "break baby". We can define it as, “A pregnancy that occurs during a break from a previous often long-term mate, whereas unprotected intercourse ensues and results in the birth of a child. In the occurrence of a break baby, the former couple reunites – new child in tow though with an outside person.”
Whew. I just made that up.
D-Wade proposed to girlfriend Gabrielle Union, despite having a child with Aja Metoyer back in November. According to him, they child was conceived during a period when he and Gabrielle were “on a break.” (Although Aja seems to have been in his life when he was with Siovaughn which makes me think she always been on the side!) Then we have Ludacris. His longtime boo, Eudoxie, is also victim to the break baby saga. Ludacris recently had a baby with Tamika Fuller – who alludes there wasn’t a break for him and his girl and he simply cheated.
Many assume these women are staying for the money but maybe they really love their dudes and give them a forgiveness pass. I understand you can be on a relationship sabbatical but does that give you a pass to have unprotected sex and then come back!?
Uhhh….no. In most cases.
Both of these beautiful women plan to marry their respective men. Will it be easy to move forward when their mate – although on a “break” – got someone else pregnant? Were these chics there all along? And if these couples really were on a break (side eye), how do you move on from their poor judgment? In my mind, a “break" is not a "break-up," so if you're in a temporary separation, isn’t the ultimate goal is to get back with your partner?
In an older Marie Claire column, Rich Santos weighs in in the blog post, What He Means When He Wants a "Break". Now let me be clear: this is not to bash men so that is why I wanted to find a male perspective. I know there are some brothas out here who would never get caught up during a break. (But not everyone got the memo!) Check out what Rich says:
From Marie Claire
Doing your own thing within a relationship is healthy separation, but taking time apart to figure things out is not good. If you love someone, you enjoy being around them and you would never think of being apart. If you need a “break” to “figure out” your feelings, chances are your feelings are not that strong.
There’s a difference between “breaking up” and “a break.” “A break” indicates the relationship is off temporarily, with the possibility of getting back together. “Breaking up” is a definite ending with no indication that you will ever get back together again. Therefore, a “break” is more unfair than ‘breaking up” because it’s less clear. From a guy’s perspective, a “break” usually hints at something bad. And, most of the time, a guy sugarcoats his reasons, saying it's ultimately for the best, or will help him figure things out. No relationship is perfect, and a break may help in some situations, but whenever there are questions/doubt about feelings, it can't be good. Because it’s so vague, it’s tough to know what a “break” really means. Here are a few possibilities:
Some guys are too chicken to break up in one shot. So, they do it in pieces. He might want you to take the hint when he doesn’t call and disappears during a break. Even if you get through the break and date again, he may have attained his goal by planting a seed hinting at a breakup down the line.
There’s Someone Else
Many of my friends describe their horrible behavior while they were "on a break" from their serious relationships. The easiest way to keep your boyfriend or girlfriend, while giving in to that meaningless temptation, is get it out of your system while on a break. And if there is not someone specific, the person who asks for a break may want the freedom to hook up with other people.
Wait for Me While I Play
If someone does not specifically say they are "breaking up with you," then you still have hope, don’t you? And they may leave this opening on purpose because they want to return to you after they do whatever they have to do during this break. My friend continues to say, "This is just a break and we will end up together." So, she’s pretty much waiting for her boyfriend to get through the break period and return to her, after he “confirms” that he loves her. But she doesn’t know what he’s up to, and maybe he’s never coming back at all. Hoping for his return prevents her from moving on, so he can come back whenever he wants to.
Let’s See Other People
"Figuring out if you’re meant for each other” might simply mean they want to date other people to see if there’s someone better out there than you.
The "break" is an unfair because it’s a middle ground: not broken up, but not together. The person who asks for a "break" is in total control: They are doing whatever they need to do, and you’re left wondering what you’re supposed to do, especially if your goal is to stay together. They don’t have to pick up your calls, or see you. And they are pretty sure you’ll wait around for them. I don't condone waiting around for someone after they’ve asked for a break. The best thing to do is move on. Even if they still like you, they won’t take you for granted if they realize they could lose you. So, instead of wondering and trying to predict, you should make the best use of this "break" time for yourself.
Ok, Rich! Interesting.
Casually going out for dinner and a movie with someone is one thing, but intimacy—however you want to define it -is another. And no...taking a break is not a pass to break someone off and produce a baby. But we all make mistakes and who am I to say if a woman should stay or go in this situation? If Gabrielle and Eudoxie are still in it to win it, they get no judgment from me. But if they proceed with marriage, it sure does add drama out the gate.